No matter ...

No matter how much I say I am all that I am NOW
I still feel the panicky urge to go join another esoteric
school etc. I still base what I think I am on what has
been told to me...
I just want to bask in me and just flow with life;
listening to just me but somehow from time to time
I feel that I have to join, accomplish, be part of a
bigger group. All this in the name of group work is
fine. But I first have to have a base - a strong base
of a grounded sense of who I am before I become
part of a greater group. I have been part of a greater
group but because I did not touch base with myself
first I keep identifying with others (groups, teachers)
or things (knowledge predominantly) and getting my
identity through who I am in these groups. I want to
get that sense of identity by just being ME first - then
I want to be part of a whole.
Almost as R said, BE; then ACT. 
There is a tendency to just sink into the "bask in me
and just flow with life" drifting aimlessly but the trick
is to connect within and work at developing within;
work at developing a relationship with the outer world
without the interference of others' views and judgements
colouring who and what I am. Just using one guiding
guru (whoever that may be) who points out the way and
then charting my own course of experiential living and
development.
There is a tendency to get lost in groups especially if I
identify totally with the group and have no sense of
personal identity. Mass consciousness.
So I haven't had a sense of individual consciousness yet.
Ego individuality is there but from that point to find the
ego-soul connection which is personal and a journey of
discovery.
When this has been accomplished then group
conciousness may be developed without losing one's own
identity. One is able to contribute to world service without
the confusion and sense of overwhelm that happens when
the ground work of who I am has been firmly established.
So the spiritual journey I am on is a personal journey.
I am a leo - I am on a quest to discover my soul. This is
a personal journey and needing single pointed concentration
which is a cave experience. For now. Group work just
becomes scattering my energies around and not being
able to apply myself to the task at hand.
Much has been given me; shown me.
See if I can make something of it all.
Enough knowledge! Now it is time to apply it in my life
And let it bear fruit.