Lest we forget ...

As I have !! through confusion that befuddles as
I go through the labyrinth of so called spiritual
information; losing sight of my own inner yearnings
in the midst of shoulds and should nots of spiritual
paths; leave alone religion. We think we have left
religion with its many agendas behind only to be
ensnared by so called altruistic spiritual paths which
laying out a whole plethora of information and 'should
dos' to save the world make one forget the fundamental
drive that got one started - to save oneself!
It is pandered that focussing on self is selfish and will
have its "consequences" which makes one doubt and
if not strong willed and very sure of oneself, one would
tend to be left wavering between what is right and what
is wrong and dread taking the "wrong" path of self
centered work. A single mustard sized bit of doubt on a
fundamental issue (until one is able to access one's own
truth oneself) is all it takes to arrest faith in one's work.
Yet I have discovered that spreading oneself thin
over service and humanity just does not produce results.
For self transformation work there has to be a singular
focus and concentration and single pointed application.
I have found, regrettably, that I have not overcome
personal obstacles,karmic entanglements and followed a
path that stressed on service before self which has been
a dead end sort of and am currently disillusioned.
At the ripe old age of 58, I realize that I am tired, I have
spent too much time on service to others (family and so-
called world service of spiritual groups) and have accom-
plished nothing visibly.
To say live and let live ( the world is fine, noone needs
changing) and start focussing on myself; I just feel too
tired and too old just now.
Tried many times to re-start but never took off...
Much has been said by others but I have to find my own
TRUTH ...
giving up? does that phrase exist?
Uncomfortable on planet earth; the search continues...
a small rest now for a while ....
otherwise ... we march on !!!